The Premise.

The following e-mail was sent out by me on January 18:






I know this is a long email. Please take a second to peel through it.I'm not one who usually celebrates their birthday ( February 9) but thisyear i've decided i need to change things up a bit.This year I will be celebrating my birthday at the Mermaid Nightclub/Loungelocated inside the Valhalla Inn.Like many of you I'm sick of the same old Lounge/Nightclub experience so Idecided to spice things up by picking this very special venue for agathering of close friends and hangers on.The Mermaid is what is commonly referred to in slang terminology as a"cougar" bar - possibly the most authentic one in the GTA.I know what you're thinking right now, you're thinking : "Man, I've been toCroc Rock on 9-1-1 night. I know what cougar action is all about"To this I say: No. No you don't.I personally checked out the Mermaid last week to get an idea of what itwould be like and friends let me tell you it was unlike anywhere I had everbeen. It was like someone took the nightclub from Carlito's Way put it inthe basement of a retro style viking themed hotel and timewarped back tothe 80's to grab my parents and all their friends (back when your parentshad friends) to join the party.It's a meat market in the truest sense, except what was once prime beef isnow just dried up jerky.It's a different scene than anywhere you've been and its fun as hell. Noone is posing, there is a refreshing lack of pretense and everyone there isthere to get down.Now to the most important part of this email message:Because we will be leaving the normal world we know and heading into astrange environment it is important to prepare ourselves for theterritories we plan to occupy. I am requiring all party goers to heed thestyle code I am about to lay forth:Athletes wear jerseys when they take the field.Armymen wear camouflage when they prepare for the jungle.For the Mermaid I ask that all men blend into the nights surroundings bygrowing a thick, lush moustache.Think: Burt Reynolds, Tom Sellick, Sam Elliot....While the idea I'm sure is difficult for some to accept you have tounderstand that it will make your night better and enhance the overallexperience for everyone. Believe me when I say if you don't grow amoustache you will not only feel excluded from the fun the Mermaid has tooffer but you will more than likely feel out of place.If you are worried about being the only person on board I can ease yourmind by boldly stating the following people have already committed to thecause:Testa, Nick, Mike, Reynolds, Choda, Matt, Ronnie, John, Green, Pagonis andmyself.These are names of people who have verbally committed and are already onboard. This email has been sent out so far in advance because I wanteveryone to participate and there is ample time to grow a fierce, manlyface bush.In addition to the moustache your clothing should also be tacky as hell. Iwill personally be hitting value village for some authentic 80's gear and Iencourage you all to do the same. If you are wearing a dress shirt it willbe required that it remain unbuttoned at least 3 buttons down with noundershirt. All accesories should be big and gold, especially chains andnecklaces. Shades are encouraged even though I realize it is a dimly litlounge - remember its never about substance, its about style. Polyester isalways a huge plus as is chest hair.Basically if it looks like something your dad would have worn whileexperiencing a mid-life crisis in the 1980's its a good idea to wear it.As for the ladies the same 80's cheese-theme applies. Since I know nothingabout women's fashion I have no suggestions but think: Flashdance, any 80'shigh school movie ie. The Breakfast Club, Madonna music videos.I don't want anything from any of you for my birthday other than you comeout and come correct by participating to the fullest. This should be a lotof fun for everyone and an incredibly sleazy night on the whole.Since I don't have the time or contact information to get this out toeveryone I would want to come I'm asking that you guys forward this e-mail,call people and do whatever you think is best to promote this to people whoyou think would want to come out for my birthday. As always the more themerrier and this should be an ultra cheap and local night so its alsoconvenient for most.Thanks for taking the time to read through this massive e-mail I wrotewhile bored at the cubicle.As always you can get a hold of me to ask questions. We'll be partying onFebruary 9th, the day of my bday.Drop me a line to let me know if you're coming and if you're bringinganyone so I can get an idea of the size of the party.KEEP IT SLEAZY.K-